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Who's that Girl World Tour 1987


'Sleeping with Madonna would be like shagging fame itself!'

Playwright Tommy Kearney takes time out from learning the moves to “Hung Up” (and, dear God, trying to squeeze himself into a high cut leotard) to gossip with Danielle Hine (NW's Entertainment Editor) about his new play “Madonna and Me”…and his Madonna obsession

The play is about a group of best friends - so what type of mate do you think you are?

‘Hmm…I think I'm a good one. I've been told I'm very loyal, caring and extremely down to earth. But most importantly I'm always up for a night of binge drinking!'

That's my top requirement for a best friend! What's the nicest thing you've ever done for a mate (other than got them pissed)?

‘Took them to see a Madonna concert! Oh and I took another close pal to see Duran Duran as a surprise birthday pressie. But the best thing I've ever done for a friend is in the play, so I don't want to spoil it.'

One of the characters is also struggling to tell his friends he's gay - which is something you went through in real life. Just how harsh was it growing up gay in working class Liverpool in the 80s?

‘All I remember is the fighting. Fighting to survive at school, all the bullying and the name calling and then having to stand up for myself and fighting back! And obviously fighting to be happy – which I am now of course.'

What's the best thing about being a gay man in the noughties?

‘We now have equal rights and can do the partnership bill. I've been telling my friends that they may have to start buying new hats soon. I've been with my partner for 16 years so maybe it's time he made an honest man of me! '

I take it there'll be some hot male totty be in the play?

‘There are more boys than girls and of course they'll all be gorgeous. The male dancers in the club scene are all handsome – trust me your mouths will be watering when you see them!'

Will there be any kit-off action to feast our eyes on?

‘You might get to see a bit of skin here and there. Let's just say that the ladies will be kept happy and some of the boys even happier!'

And your favourite character ?

‘Paula, because she's rebellious! She's my very own ‘Madonna.'

Sometimes she doesn't quite get it right and she ends up in more trouble, but her heart's in the right place.'

There's a Madonna theme running throughout the play too – but just what is it about Madge that gay men adore so much?

‘I think it's because she has always stood up for them. When everyone was being ostracised in the 80's because of HIV, Madonna gave out the facts about AIDS in the Like a Prayer album. She openly talked about Gay Rights Issues and Civil Rights. I know Elton John did stuff like that too but, quite frankly, Madge is better looking. Plus Elt can't sing and do the crab at the same time!'

If she asked you to go straight for her, would you?

‘Straight to where? No, seriously I only have eyes for one bloke. Anyway, sleeping with Madonna would be like shagging fame itself! I'm a writer. I don't want to be famous. I'll leave that to the people from Big Brother.'

Would you ever “Vogue” in a club in nowt but a string vest and some hotpants?

‘I'd look like Onslow from ‘Keeping Up Appearances!' So that's a no!'

What's the most outrageous/stupid/desperate thing you've done to get tickets for a Madonna concert?

‘I've been lucky getting hold of tickets. I've been to every tour in Britain - except the texting fiasco to try to get into Live 8. I got a text saying I'd won. I was so excited, screaming everywhere and eventually calmed down enough to ring the number. But it was my 11-year-old niece, laughing at me down the phone!'

Madge is famous for having hot boys in her vids – any of them particularly stir your loins?

‘Well it has to be the Justify My Love video. There's something in it for everyone - Gay, Str8, Bi-curious, it's all covered. And I do like the guys in the Vogue video. But doesn't everybody? Then there's Express Yourself, Papa Don't Preach, Take a Bow…have we got room to fit them all in?'

Tommy, there's always room for more totty! Any career advice for her?

‘Don't stop, keep going, but lower your bloody ticket prices, they're crippling me!'

In your lifetime as a fan, what's been your favourite Madge moment?

‘When she sang ‘Holiday' to me at Brixton Academy! We were so close that I could see her mascara (compliments to her makeup artist by the way). Then she said, ‘What night do you want me to come to see your play?' and I replied, ‘There's Theatre Angel Tickets available for all shows! But let me know in advance, so I can line the Guinness up!' Yeah, yeah I have a very healthy imagination…'

Got any relationship advice for her and Guy? Should they have Relate on speed dial?

‘Oh, I like to believe that they're in love. She seems happier now, less of a cow. Good luck to both of them - when you're in a long term relationship it's hard work. As many an X Factor contestant is fond of saying: “it's been a rollercoaster.” But I reckon they should stick at it because hopefully the good times will be worth it. Plus they have three kids now to consider.'

If you ever met mighty Madge what would you say to her? Provided you still had the power of speech, of course.

‘Whatever caused you to record ‘Jimmy Jimmy' on the True Blue album? And shall we write a musical together?'


Madonna and Me is on at the SOUTH POINTE AUDITORIUM from 7th April 2011 - 10th April 2011. Tickets: $10 - $15. To purchase tickets ph: 704.372.1000 (see the Home page for more info)